On Raising Confident Kids

On Raising Confident Kids

Confession: I suck at consequences.

I mean, really, who can think of a response for ALLLLL the things our kids come up with?!

While I may suck at consequences, there’s one parenting tip I’ve implemented with great success for over 10 years: the Love Jar.

I write all about it in my latest article for Collin County Mom Collective: https://collincounty.momcollective.com/parenting/be-your-kids-biggest-fan/

Our Love Jar – Getting filled (and emptied!) since 2008

After reading “The Love Jar” article, a mom reached out and asked the “secret” for raising confident kids. I’m a firm believer that there’s no one-size-fits-all method to parenting. Every parent, every kid, every family is unique. What may work well for one, may not work well for another. But the one approach that wins every. time. is love.

Confident kids are loved and they know it.

Now you know that loving your kids doesn’t mean giving them everything or doing all the things, I don’t need to tell you that. In fact, it’s my experience as a single mom that NOT being able to give my kids all the stuff or go on all the fancy vacations is precisely what shaped them into who they are today: confident, content, and comfortable in their own skin.

So while Lord knows I’m no perfect parent and my kids have had more than their share of flops and failures, I am happy to share a few things that have worked for my family to build them up and bond us together.

Be silly.

“Home is wherever my bunch of crazies are.”

In our family, we have a slew of silly sayings. For example, “Is that a pimple on your nose?” and “Chocolate chip cookies!” means “I love you BIG much!” Back in the carpool days, I dropped my kids off at school in the morning with, “You’re blessed and highly favored of the Lord!” or “You’re big and brave and strong and smart!”

If anyone in the family says, “Cool beans!”, we all follow in unison with, “Hot chili!” then “Bean burrrrrrriiiiiiitoooooo!” When we get separated, we find each other by calling out, “Marco!” More than once, I’ve been reunited with Jenna in the store by asking the front clerk to announce “Marco!” over the intercom. And we just love when perfect strangers join in the game. Laughter is the best.

Serve together.

“How wonderful that no one need wait a single moment to improve the world.” {Anne Frank}

There’s nothing like serving those less fortunate to cultivate gratitude for what you have. In my graduate school leadership classes, I’ve learned that empathy is one of the most sought after skills in leaders. Not only does serving others increase empathy, it builds self-esteem and nurtures a servant’s heart.

Readers are leaders.

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go!” {Dr. Seuss}

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Be resilient. Have a growth mindset. Be a lifelong learner.

Well, it starts at home and it starts young. In our family, as our schedule allows, we all read together for 30 minutes in the evening before bed with hot tea, popcorn, and blankets. Lots of warm, cuddly blankets. And not just any books – the classics. Anne of Green Gables, Little Women, The Secret Garden, A Wrinkle in Time, Inkheart …. to name a few.

We also listen to audiobooks in the car (which is where it feels like we are for half our days!). We never established the habit of watching movies or being on devices in the car. Instead, we listen, we learn, we talk. (Which reminds me – talk with your kids. A lot. Like a lot a lot.)

These are a few of our “hauserbubbleisms” – our own little quirky things that fosters togetherness as a family and confidence in my kids.

And this is where I’ll leave you today, with a final hauserbubbleism.

Whenever my kids wonder why we’re doing something, going somewhere, or trying this or that, my response is always:

#familybondingadventureisoutthere!

And off we go.

What works for your family? I’d love to hear from you on ways you strive to build confidence in your kiddos!

Whether your kids are littles or bigs – it’s an ongoing process that’s made possible by sharing, supporting and encouraging each other.

It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday!

Confession: I didn’t always love my birthday.

I love birthdays. I love hanging streamers from the kids doorframes to greet them on their birthday morning. I love making a big deal out of other people’s birthdays. I love exclaiming, “It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday!” all. day. long. I especially love my Soto family’s “first and worst” singing competition where my parents, brothers, sister and I (now accompanied by our families) contend to be the first to call and/or the worst to sing the most awful version of the birthday song to the lucky recipient. The winner gets bragging rights. It’s almost always my mom. God bless her tenacity (and her laugh!).

Fourteen years ago, my birthday was in danger. Kevin had died just one week before and I was in a raging internal battle with him about how could he go and leave us like that? And at Christmas? And miss MY BIRTHDAY! How would I even be able to start the day without him making me breakfast in bed? This was just the beginning of many harsh realizations that nothing was ever going to be the same. But – as I would discover over time – that didn’t mean it couldn’t still be special in its own new way.

That night, my girls SHOWED UP for a birthday dinner at Macaroni Grill. Looking back, it reminds me of the scene from the movie, Elizabethtown, when Drew, just after his dad’s sudden passing, arrives at the family home and is greeted by his cousin with a bear hug and a promise: “This loss will be met by a hurricane of love.” And just like in the movie, the evening was filled with noise and chaos as we shared memories, shed tears, and laughed together. It was overwhelming and wonderful. Not at all what I wanted, but just what I needed.

For the first few years after Kevin died, I just couldn’t uphold our family traditions for birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. It was too much for me to do without him. It made him feel more gone.

So, we started new traditions. And then, over time, when we were ready, we brought back some of the old traditions that now felt sweeter, and we merged them together, gradually creating our new version of normal.

No loss is the same. No grief journey is the same – especially when it comes to the holidays. One thing that has helped my family is having a plan. Knowing in advance how we’ll celebrate not only helps lessen the dread of the upcoming day without our loved one, but it actually gives us something to look forward to; a tradition to uphold in his memory. People often ask me how we get through it, so today we’d like to share some stories from the Hauser Bubble about what works for our family.

December.

December is an especially tough month for us as it includes the anniversary of Kevin’s death, followed closely by The Hauser Bubble Christmas Kickoff Weekend, followed closely by my birthday, followed closely by Christmas. Whew.

Some years I’ve put up a tree and some I haven’t. Last year we didn’t have a traditional tree and this year the kids insisted we put one up. We compromised with a half-size tree that fits all of the most sentimental ornaments, yet doesn’t overwhelm. We give ourselves grace and do what we can in the moment.

What holds us together in December is serving others. Blessing others as we’ve been blessed gets us out of the house and into other people’s lives. It keeps things in perspective and reminds us that we are not the only ones struggling over the holidays. In fact, there are many out there that have it way tougher.

Kate: Every year growing up, we went to see the Trains at North Park. It’s one of my favorite Christmas memories with my family! As a toddler, Jake was obsessed with “choo choo’s” and I especially liked the fancy mall. One year, after my dad passed away, we made a donation in support of their charity, The Ronald McDonald House, and got to put his name on an “In Memory of” train car that would be part of that year’s holiday exhibition. A whole group of friends joined us to go watch it circle around the tracks for Christmas. It was amazing. That train car is now one of our most treasured Christmas decorations that we proudly display on our mantle.

Valentine’s Day.

Kate: I can’t begin to tell you how much I looked forward to Valentine’s Day every year, the special night that my dad would take me out and spoil me rotten. ME. The eager, talkative daughter, over his WIFE. He would get me “pretty smelly stuff” from Bath & Body Works. The full-size trio. We would dress up, take our ceremonial picture in front of the fireplace, and go out to a fancy dinner! It took me years to fully understand the level of love, dedication, and sacrifice this showed – both on his part, and my mom’s. I pray that one day I’ll find a man who will love and dote on his daughter the way my dad loved and doted on me.

Oh my goodness, that first Valentine’s Day broke my heart into a thousand pieces for my sweet girl. I tried. I bought her the pretty smelly stuff. The full-size trio. But somehow that made things worse. She burst into tears. This tradition we just had to let go. There’s a limit to what role I can play as both mom and dad to my kids. We have now replaced it with a Papa Murphy’s heart shaped pizza for dinner. Not even a close second, but it works for us.

Kevin’s Birthday: May 13th.

Jake: I’ve always had fond memories of my dad’s birthdays, most of them centering around the balloon tradition. Each year we drive to the store and each of us picks out our own “Happy Birthday, Dad!” balloon to carry birthday messages to him in heaven. The message isn’t super complicated, but it means a lot to me because it’s my own little note to my dad. When we’re done, we tie on the notes and release them up to heaven where he can read them. It was always an exciting day, especially when I was younger. As the balloons floated out of sight and away into heaven, I could only wonder what he would think when he read them. Sometimes I even thought that when I joined him up there, he would show them to me. We would read through them together, and he could tell me how much he loved them.

Mother’s Day.

Kate: I’ve never asked her, but I’ve always thought that this must be the hardest holiday for my mom. My dad always made a big deal out of making her breakfast in bed, bringing her coffee and gifts, and upholding the “No working for mom on Mother’s Day!” tradition. As the oldest child, I felt like it was my duty to keep up that up after he was gone, but it was hard! I was only 10. So that first year, I did the best I could and brought her coffee and toast. Soon, I learned how to make eggs, then I started adding fresh fruit, too. It took years before I was confident enough to make a whole meal. I think I was 15 or 16 when I volunteered to make brunch for my mom and a few of her single mom friends. I don’t think I even made it through one dish before I was on the floor crying because I put so much pressure on myself to do it just like my Dad did. My mom and her friends came in, picked me up off the floor, and we all hugged and finished making the meal together which turned out to be a really sweet day.

Father’s Day.

On the first Father’s Day without Kevin, our good friends and neighbors invited us to visit their family farm for the weekend where we were warmly welcomed as special guests. It was such a relief to get out of town and not have to think about cooking or cleaning. There were extra hands to help with the kids who just loved roaming around in the wide-open spaces. On Sunday, before heading home, we painted rocks for our daddy garden. I didn’t even realize how much of a ticking time bomb we had avoided until the next year when we went to church on Father’s Day. I drove home with a distraught Jake in the back seat holding a blank card with a giant tie on the front. After that, we never went to church on Father’s Day. We stayed home and painted rocks instead.

Jenna: It usually takes me a long time to think about what I’m going to paint. I ask myself: How does this reflect what I remember about my dad this year? or What do I want him to know about me? One year, I painted a watermelon with the words “I love my Dad” in calligraphy because I’d recently gotten really good at calligraphy and I thought he’d be proud of me for that. One of the first times I remember painting rocks with my family, Jake painted a great big breakfast for daddy complete with eggs, toast, and coffee. He said that since we always make mom breakfast in bed, why don’t we paint dad a breakfast for Father’s Day? I love going into the back yard, looking through our garden, and seeing the rocks painted with our stories.

Our Anniversary: July 2nd.

Our couple anniversary became our family anniversary as we now celebrate BEING Hausers WITH the Hausers over the 4th of July holiday. We head to San Antonio for making memories with the Ppaws, which always includes the picnic on the patio at “the club”, me and Kate crushing all the small children in the egg toss competition, and ice cream and sparklers on the patio to round out the day. Uncle Scott would often fly in from California to join us, entertaining us with his witty banter, latest gadgets, and jokes about all things Texan. It’s almost incomprehensible that he, too, passed away unexpectedly last year, which makes our Hauser family time together even more precious now.

We have loved and lost. We have gotten through it with our faith, our traditions, and with each other. It has not always been easy, but it has always been a gift worth treasuring.

And speaking of gifts …. It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday!

Simple, Yet Profound

Confession: I’m a sucker for a good quote.

There are many simple, yet profound sayings that just get to me. They may differ in form – a snippit from a book, a song lyric, a poem – but what they all have in common is that they have elicited an immediate “Yes!” feeling in me. 

Take for example the quote … Live, laugh, love. I like the cadence, the alliteration, the succinct, wise command. 

But yuck – it’s too cliché! What is it about such an over-used and over-marketed saying that can inspire someone like me with a passion for all things off-the-beaten-path?

You’d have to see me with my kids to really get it.

When I look at them, I see …

Kate ~ so full of life,

Jake ~ an infinite source laughter, and

Jenna ~ who fills the world with love.

LIVE.  Kate has navigated difficulty and change with a beautiful disposition and flair. She is resilient. She’s been through more in her short life than most adults have in a lifetime, yet she has not let it define her. Kate embraces life with raw enthusiasm.

LAUGH.  Rarely do I pick up Jake from … well, anywhere … that I am not met with, “Oh, Jake said the FUNNIEST thing …”  He protests when I’m sharing his latest antic, “Moooommmmm, stop talking about how cute I am!” I am often confused by, but always utterly charmed by his boyness.

LOVE.  Jenna loves everything. The simple things in life enchant her. She is radiant with her kind heart and big eyes that sparkle. Every. Single. Day.  Jennabug.  Buggalicious. Buggadelicious. We love you loving us.

I am genuinely happy to be sharing my life with these kiddos – hitching a ride on their boisterous energy. Raising my kids is my highest priority and I gladly make the sacrifices it takes to put them first.

The interesting thing about parenting is that it is an awe-inspiring adventure; yet unpredictable, demanding, and TOUGH at the same time! I’m often caught between the call to care for them and the need to care for myself. Carl Jung’s words, “Nothing has a more disturbing influence on children than the unlived life of a parent” are so true.

I want so much to give my children a “normal” life.  Yet, we are not normal. And what is normal, anyway? Kids don’t care about normal. They’re only interested in making the most of each moment, while we as parents try to string the moments together into a preconceived picture of the “perfect” life.

My family is a living example that life doesn’t always turn out as we plan. So instead of wasting precious energy trying to make life “normal”, I vow to make it as life-filled and significant as I can.

My children need me to lead the way. So, I’m getting out there. I’m bravely taking steps on the tightrope of being the best mother I can be, while continuing to pursue my dreams. Amazingly, I am happier and more content than I imagined I could be … and so are the kids!  Funny how that works, huh?

We are The Hauser Bubble.

We’re in it together.

We will continue to Live, Laugh, Love.